


Detached

by EmmaKeladry



Category: Star Trek: Discovery
Genre: Angst, Hugh back from the dead, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Nightmares, The Sound of Thunder, Worried Paul, depressed Hugh, season 2 episode 6
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-07
Updated: 2019-03-07
Packaged: 2019-11-13 05:06:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,733
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18025244
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EmmaKeladry/pseuds/EmmaKeladry
Summary: Paul seeks to comfort Hugh as the nightmares ravage his body and mind, but he doesn’t know how to help him anymore.SPOILERS for "The Sound of Thunder" (s2,ep6) and all of previous season two episodes.





	Detached

The first nightmare Paul witnessed in the medbay. Hugh had been resting uneasily. Paul sat in the chair next to him, clasping his own hand because every time he barely brushed Hugh’s skin, Hugh flinched. He pretended it didn’t bother him, but each flinch felt like a knife blade twisting in his stomach. Hugh’s chest heaving as he fought to breathe made Paul feel ill. Doctor Pollard recognized the signs of the nightmare before it got too bad. She administered a dreamless sedative to help him rest easily.

Hugh felt uneasy about everything, anxious but distant toward Paul. It hurt. It physically hurt him, but Paul was overjoyed when Doctor Pollard released Hugh from the medbay. It had to get better, right?

“I can sleep on the couch. You’ll be more comfortable on the bed, unless you want me to –” Paul’s words trailed off.

Hugh climbed onto the bed, pulling the blanket free and wrapping it around himself. Without a word, he lay down. Hugh stared blankly at the wall. His hands clutched the blanket tightly and tucked beneath his chin. His bare feet poked out of the blanket.

“Do you need anything?” Paul asked, wiggling his hand at his side.

Hugh shook his head.

“I can get you some water or a snack. I know Doctor Pollard said you haven’t been eating well, but I could get you something to eat.”

“No,” Hugh murmured. “Not hungry.”

“Do you want some water or some juice?” Paul moved toward the replicator. “Maybe some hot chocolate?”

Hugh shook his head again.

Oh. Paul opened his mouth to ask him another question, but Hugh closed his eyes. Paul stood in silence, not sure what to do. After a few minutes, he stepped closer to the bed and gently tugged the blanket, covering Hugh’s feet to keep them from getting cold.

“I love you,” Paul whispered.

He waited, but Hugh continued to sleep. He didn’t say it back. He hadn’t said it since he came back from the dead… maybe he didn’t love him anymore. Paul shook his head, trying to force the thought from his mind. Hugh said he’d always love him.

Paul removed an extra blanket from the closet, vaguely recognizing it as the blanket they used on their second date; dessert under the stars and the first time they snuggled. He should’ve given it to Hugh. Maybe he’d remember what it was like to love him. He shook his head and lay down on the couch, not bothering to change into his pajamas. He watched as Hugh’s chest rose and fell in an even rhythm. Occasionally it would hitch, but then he’d continue breathing normally. The soft sounds lulled him to sleep, though it wasn’t restful.

The second nightmare left him shoved on the floor and feeling as if he was having a heart attack. The pure fear on Hugh’s face as he trembled and screamed, grabbing his shoulders and squeezing as hard as he could, it broke him. Paul couldn’t touch him. He couldn’t comfort him. His first response had been to jump off the couch and rush to Hugh’s side. But Hugh immediately pushed him back. The sudden movement caused him to lose his balance and watch from the floor as the nightmare seized his love and he couldn’t protect him. Sweat ran down his face and he moaned, moving his arms to his stomach.

Paul crawled over to his side of the bed. He opened the bedside drawer and pulled out Hugh’s medical tricorder. “Are you in pain?” Paul asked, feeling stupid as soon as he said it.

Hugh nodded. His fingers curled around his arms and started moving. He began to scratch at his skin as if he were still trying to remove the Jasheep from his skin. To stop them from reclaiming his matter and taking himself permanently into the Network, lost forever from Paul.

“I’m sorry,” Paul whispered. He desperately wanted to take Hugh’s hands to comfort him. His own hands shook as the tricorder whirled. The results were what he expected: fast pulse, high blood pressure, rise in core temperature, labored respiration; a panic attack from the nightmare. “What can I do to help you?”

Hugh shook his head as tears ran down his cheeks. “Leave me alone,” he choked out. “Please. You’re not real.”

Paul scooted closer as he dropped the tricorder to the floor. “I’m real. I’m right here, Hugh. I’m not gonna leave you again.”

“You’re always gone when I wake up.” Sobs racked his tense body.

“I’m sorry, Hugh.”

Hugh didn’t answer. After several long minutes, he seemed to calm down a little. He lay back down on the bed, not bothering to cover himself up as he shivered. Paul carefully pulled the blanket up, making sure his fingers didn’t brush Hugh’s skin. He stayed beside the bed, waiting until Hugh fell asleep, almost an hour after the nightmare ended. Paul couldn’t fall asleep. He managed to doze lightly for an hour before another nightmare jarred Hugh’s sleep and the cycle repeated, extreme terror and asking Paul to leave. But Paul stayed. He couldn’t abandon his love.

For two weeks, every night was the same. Paul stopped sleeping at all. He sat awake on the couch, drifting to sleep and snapping awake as soon as his head touched his chest. He caught a nap in the mycelial forest as often as he could, but he couldn’t sleep in their quarters. Hugh never acknowledged his presence after the first nightmare. He wouldn’t look at him.

“Commander Stamets?” Tilly’s voice woke him. Paul almost lost his balance as he straightened. He’d been sleeping at his station. Damn it.

“Sorry Tilly. I’m awake.” He blinked, trying to focus on the information in front of him. A dull headache throbbed behind his eyes. Paul reached for his mug, taking a sip of the tepid coffee. He made a face, but swallowed it.

“Are – are you okay?” Her words were soft.

“No. Hugh can’t sleep, so I can’t sleep. He has nightmares, but he won’t talk about them and I – I can’t comfort him.”

She gently touched his shoulder. “I’m sorry. He still won’t let you touch him?”

Paul shook his head, feeling heat flood his cheeks. He shouldn’t be talking about Hugh to anyone, but Tilly was his friend.

“Have you tried asking him how you can help him?”

Paul nodded. “He says he doesn’t want help. He just asks me to leave him alone.”

“Maybe Hugh’s too scared to ask for help. I can’t imagine what he went through. But I know he needs you.”

Tilly gently squeezed his arm and returned to her station. The shift went late and it was after 0300 when they left the lab. Paul walked slowly to his quarters, praying that Hugh was asleep and wouldn’t notice him coming in. He didn’t want to disturb him. The corridor was empty, so he slipped his boots off in the hallway to keep from making noise when he entered.

Paul stepped inside and silently put his boots by the door. He glanced up to see two plates on the couch, one with a bowl of barely touched chicken noodle soup and the other with a piece of apple pie with only one tiny bite missing. The blanket he’d been using was haphazardly thrown on the couch, half on the floor. He looked over at the bed, surprised to see Hugh’s cuddled form wasn’t there. The sweatpants and t-shirt he’d been wearing that morning were on the floor. Paul felt his stomach flop. Something wasn’t right.

“Hugh?” he called out.

Paul went to the bathroom and opened the door. It was empty. Maybe Hugh just went to visit someone or to exercise. That thought fell heavily into his stomach. Hugh hadn’t been social at all or even wanted to be around others. No, this wasn’t right.

“Stamets to Culber,” Paul comm’d.

Silence.

“Paul to Hugh, please answer.”

More silence.

“Computer, locate Hugh Culber.”

There was a pause. “Hugh Culber is in the holodeck.”

“Shit,” Paul muttered. He ran from their quarters, not even bothering to put his shoes back on. This wasn’t right at all.

He ran all the way to the holodeck, which was secluded on a lower deck. His heart rated and he gasped for breath as he stood outside the holodeck. Paul jammed his finger against the door button, but nothing happened.

“Computer, open holodeck doors,” Paul commanded.

“Access denied. Holodeck access has been restricted.”

Paul entered his override into the panel, but the door still didn’t open.

“Access denied.”

Paul slammed his hand against the door. “Damn it!” He tried again, but nothing would force the computer to open the door. Not even caring about the time, he contacted Saru. “Saru, I need your assistance outside the holodeck. Hugh’s inside. He won’t open the door and I can’t get the computer to regain access. I need your override.”

“On my way.” Saru didn’t sound irritated at least.

Paul rested his head against the door, wishing that Hugh would just open the door. What was he doing in there? “Computer, what program is active?”

“That information is restricted.”

Damn it! What if he was harming himself? Paul doubted his Hugh would ever do that, but Hugh wasn’t thinking clearly right now. His mind was clouded with pain and depression. No, he couldn’t think that. Saru arrived a moment later, dressed in his uniform and looking rested.

“I’m sorry if I disturbed you,” Paul muttered, keeping his eyes down.

“It’s not a problem. I was simply reading.” He entered his override into the panel, only to be denied like Paul had been. Saru entered a few more commands and the doors finally opened. He stepped to the side, not trying to look inside. “Would you like me to alert Doctor Pollard?”

Paul shook his head. “I don’t know.” His words betrayed him. “I think I need to find him on my own. I’ll use the comm if I need assistance again. Thank you, Commander.”

“You’re welcome. Good luck.” Saru turned and walked away without another word.

The moment Paul stepped into the artificial environment, the rain soaked his clothing. Rain ran into his eyes. Paul blinked and tried to figure out where he was. It appeared to be an alley in a city on Earth, but filled with abandoned buildings. Why would Hugh come here? He started walking, not sure how he’d find Hugh in his place. A sound came to his ears that made him shiver. Crying. No, not crying. Someone was sobbing loudly as if they were in extreme pain. His bare feet splashed in the deep puddles as he ran. Paul followed the noise to an abandoned store front. He stepped inside, moving over a broken beam. He wasn’t sure if he should call out and see if Hugh would respond or if he’d withdraw even more.

Lightning flashed and thunder rumbled in the distance. The brief flash of light lit up the small area. That’s how Paul found him. Crouched against the furthest wall, dressed only in his boxers and covered in rain or sweat, Paul couldn’t tell. His entire body trembled. Paul watched in horror as Hugh leaned over and wretched, but nothing came up. He fell back against the wall and continued to cry out. Paul wondered if he’d picked this place so he could grieve in privacy. A part of him wanted to flee, but he wasn’t leaving Hugh.

Paul slowly moved closer to him. Hugh wrapped his arms around his stomach and groaned. He braced himself as a shudder went through his body. The lines on his face were more pronounced than Paul had ever seen. Pain and sadness so deep that it was tearing him apart. It took Paul a moment to realize that he’d never seen Hugh in so much pain before. He sniffled and the soft sound drew Hugh’s attention.

Hugh bit his lip and tried to keep from crying out. “I – I can’t,” he gasped. “I can’t do this. I can’t – I can’t breathe.”

“I’m right here. It’s gonna be okay,” Paul whispered. Ever so slowly, he reached out his hand and let his fingertips brush Hugh’s hand.

He immediately flinched. “Please,” he moaned.

“Let me help you,” Paul choked out.

Hugh shook his head. “I don’t know how – how to do this.”

Paul tried again, gently running his fingers over Hugh’s hand. This time he stayed still. Paul rubbed a small soothing circle with his thumb on the back of Hugh’s hand. “I’m right here. My hand will always be there to comfort you. Promise.”

Before Paul could comprehend what was happening, Hugh leaned forward and rested his head against Paul’s chest. Relief flooded inside him. The heat of Hugh’s skin felt like it was burning Paul. Hugh was sick. No. Paul didn’t want anything to be wrong with him again. He brushed Hugh’s forehead, certain his love had a fever now. Hugh didn’t move as Paul gently wrapped his arms around him. He simply scooted closer to Paul. It was the first time he’d held him since Hugh returned, other than the brief moment in his lab where Hugh was naked.

“I need to get you to Doctor Pollard. You’re sick.”

Hugh vehemently shook his head. “I don’t want anyone else to take care of me. Just you. Just you.”

Paul slipped one arm beneath Hugh’s knees and the other behind his back. It took every ounce of strength he had to stand with Hugh nestled in his arms. His body felt limp as if Hugh had nothing left. His toes pointed to the floor as water and sweat dripped from them onto the wooden floor below. His head rested against Paul’s chest. A soft moan escaped his lips at the movement. Paul let the tears flow down his cheeks.

“I’m gonna take care of you.”

Paul ordered the computer to transport them directly to their quarters. As soon as they fully materialized, Paul carried Hugh into the bathroom. He set him down on the floor of the shower and turned on the water, making sure it wasn’t too warm. Paul didn’t bother to undress as he joined him. The warm water felt good on his cold skin. He carefully washed the sweat and rain from Hugh’s skin, being careful not to touch him without Hugh’s hand guiding him. Neither of them spoke. Hugh leaned against the side of the shower stall as Paul gently massaged shampoo into his hair. He cupped water into his hands to wash it away. Hugh’s hand briefly grabbed his wrist, but his grip wasn’t tight. Paul squeezed his fingers before continuing his ministrations. Once he’d cleaned them both, Paul wrapped Hugh in his robe and carried him to the bed.

Completely exhausted, Hugh didn’t move from the position Paul placed him in. Paul dressed in a t-shirt and sweatpants. He quickly took a scan of Hugh and sent it to Doctor Pollard. She responded with a medication number. Paul administered it, hoping it would help lower his fever and ease the apparent pain he was feeling. Hugh sighed, keeping his eyes closed. Paul got a cold compress from the replicator and moved back to Hugh’s side. He gently pressed it to Hugh’s forehead. He leaned into the touch again.

After a long while, Paul moved to curl up on the couch to start his nightly vigil. Hugh’s hand grabbed his before he could slip off the bed.

“Stay,” Hugh murmured. “Don’t go.”

Paul let Hugh guide him to lie down next to him so they were facing each other. Hugh opened his glassy, feverish eyes. With small pained movements, Hugh brought his body closer to Paul and let their knees touch and their arms brush. His hand shook as he brushed Paul’s cheek. A tear ran down his nose and dripped onto the blanket.

“I do love you,” Hugh wept. “But I’m broken. You shouldn’t want me.”

“I will always want you.” Paul desperately wanted to kiss Hugh on the forehead, but he didn’t want to scare him away.

They both fell asleep, holding each other, but not fully wrapped up in each other. When the nightmare inevitably woke Hugh up, Paul stayed closer and whispered softly to him as he cried. They were going to make it through this. Together.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm desperate for more Culmets content, but all I seem to be writing is angst! Lol! Hopefully we can get some snuggles between our Hugh/Paul, when Hugh is ready for them.
> 
> Also, bonus points to you if you figured out what scene/song I was listening to from RENT! I listened to it while writing pretty much the entire thing. :)


End file.
